No Babysitter Is Qualified Enough for the Castle
Here is what happened, as near as one can figure. You have the Mandarin, who has been working on something called a polychromatic texture enforcement weapon, and who has been itching to try it out. Then you have the ‘Puter, drunk on brown liquor, who has a head filled with ideas.
Then you leave the two of them in the Castle, alone, for about eight minutes while the rest of us went grocery shopping.
All the Czar knows is that when he entered the kitchen from the garage, ‘Puter lurches up from the basement and says, “We totally ROY-G-BIVved Stonehenge.”
And now we see.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.