‘Puter Fail
Subtitled, “In which we learn ‘Puter ain’t always right.”
Gormogon operative J.Y. notes with regard to ‘Puter’s post here that:
View from the Porch is written by Tamara K, most decidedly a “she”…It’s probably a good idea to correct your message, not *just* because she’s armed,but because overall, she’s someone you want to be on the good side of…Her snark is famous world-wide. As is her accuracy.
We Gormogons have a policy of correcting our errors , and not shooting messengers, so long as the messengers are remotely respectful. Except for The Czar. He shoots at everyone, which explains why our morning paper hasn’t been delivered in months.
So, thanks to J.Y. for politely pointing out ‘Puter’s error.
And, to Ms. Tamara K., ‘Puter offers his sincere apology for his sloppy assumption that a person who loved guns and had awesome, witty takedowns of arrogant jerk-monkeys must be of the masculine persuasion. As further amends, ‘Puter offers you full and free access to the Gormogons shooting range located on Dungeon Level 3 at Castle Gormogon any time you may wish to drop by. Just take the elevator on the left after you pass the Novemberist Conference Room on the Lido Deck.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.