Quick thoughts on the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics?

– Beijing? A cacophony of dissonant sounds and a billion dollars worth of LED displays to show the world how prosperous China is, especially when it bulldozes a stadium over its impoverished ghettos. Vancouver? A few projectors, lots of confetti, and fabric sheets…done in a stunning number of brilliant combinations. Simply the best opening ceremony in the last few Olympics. This viewer was taken aback by the sheer creativity with a handful of elements. The lighting effects—especially when the stadium flooded and was visited by whales swimming through it—should definitely win some awards. The fabric drapes of Native Canadian constellations that shot fire down to the actors? No clue how they did it so perfectly, and no interest in knowing for fear of spoiling the magic. It was really, really good.

– Music? Sadly, Joni Mitchell’s recorded song is the only proof that musical talent has not totally fled Canada. Sara McLachlan is always good, but her songs always sound too similar to one another. And Bryan Adams and Nelly Furtado were dismal. Bryan Adams, of course, wrote his number in about ten minutes after looking at a “suggested lyric sheet” submitted by the IOC. Glad to see Nelly Furtado enjoyed a few steak sandwiches before squeezing into sixty yards of silk. Not saying she gained a lot of weight, but for a moment the Czar suspected this was a weird new look for Laurel and Hardy.

– Hey, Bob Costas: when the First Nations were speaking their blessing in their native languages, would be possible for you to STFU? Nobody gives a crap that you can read stats off Wikipedia. We can do that ourselves.

– Smart move by the organizers to put a gap in front of and behind the Georgian entourage. It added a chance for the applause to die down, a more emotional applause to begin, and a chance to breathe before welcoming in the next team. Really, that simple gesture to the Georgians showed enormous respect for their fallen teammate.

– Seriously, how cool were the freaking whales that turned into salmon who turned into icicles that turned into trees?

– Hey, NBC: perhaps you could stop your pederasty over Shaun White so that we could see the Uzbeks march in? Extremely tight shots of the scarecrow of snowboarding (what a weird way to welcome the drug culture into the drug free Olympics) bordered on the repugnant. Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of Uzbeks in America, waiting to cheer on their motherland team were sorely disappointed as the only country not shown. Meanwhile, here is another shot of Shaun White as we jam the camera right into his Skeletor-like cheekbones.

– Well, the Czar thought the young lass who sang the Canadian national anthem started out a bit nervous but ended strong. Nevertheless, the song is not a hymn: it should enjoyed a faster tempo. Even so, O Canada ranks as the second-best national anthem, just ahead of Russia’s and just behind, dare we be so bold, The Star Spangled Banner. Yes, foreigners, the Czar is aware ours is an old drinking tune with lyrics that form nothing but a series of questions…but the theme is about us kicking ass. As wonderful (and possibly more appropriate an anthem) as America the Beautiful is, it noticeably fails to mention bombs bursting in air.

– Just when the Czar thought the tap dancing/fiddling competition was about to get a bit long, some very clever person elected to start their shoes on fire. That was ideal to hold our attention.

– And the dearest Царица observed, somewhere when Pakistan was marching in, that the First Nations dancers were still dancing. Holy crap, that was about 90 straight minutes of energetic dancing. And it went for another 30 minutes. God knows what happened to the Grandma Addams lady; she is in vastly better shape than the Czar.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.