D.C. Goes to Heller
Gormogon operative G.W. writes in from our Nation’s Capital wondering where we’ve been on D.C.’s post Heller decline in crime rate. The Gee Dub gently admonishes ‘Puter thusly:
You guys write about DC crime stats in a while? 2009 numbers (down 25%) and 2010 so far (down another 40% from last year) are pretty startling.
To which ‘Puter replied:
Crimes are down because global warming has caused all your recent snow, so the criminals (who are only stealing and killing as a result of the failed policies of Bush and Cheney) can’t get out of the house to stick it to the the White patriarchial hegemony. It’s got nothing to do with the fact that thugs are now afraid they might get shot.
Or so the NYT editorial page tells me.
Seriously, though. Check out the statistics linked above. They correlate with Heller, but may not be caused by Heller. Time for some intrepid social scientist to start crunching numbers.
* Confidential to Gee Dub: “Mwe are not amused.”
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.