First They Came For The (Allegedly) Gay Figure Skaters … [Updated!]
And ‘Puter was not an allegedly gay figure skater, so he said nothing. Well, ‘Puter can stay silent no longer.
Via Drudge, definitely flamboyant and allegedly gay American men’s figure skater Johnny Weir received threats from animal rights activists for wearing real fur. Mr. Weir committed the outrage of wearing a [fantastic — ed.] ensemble in the national competition that included white fox fur on the shoulder. Mr. Weir stated in the linked article that he thought about wearing faux fur, but just doesn’t like it as well.
Here’s how ‘Puter breaks it down. Wearing fur is not a crime, no matter how much you may wish it so. Threatening to harm others, however, can be a crime. Additionally, threatening others admits the weakness in your argument. That is, you have utterly failed to convince people with reason, so now you must use violence to convince people you’re correct.
The animal rights activists behind the threats on Mr. Weir are cowards. And lame. ‘Puter stands with Mr. Weir and his right to dress as he sees fit, and his correlative right to be fabulous.
UPDATE: As Your Volgi helpfully reminded ‘Puter, the lads at Deadspin have a recurring feature chronicling “the sports media’s pained efforts to call the sexually undeclared figure skater gay without quite calling him gay.” Enjoy.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.