Snowbound!
‘Puter was reading ABC News’ totally lame and unimaginative “Top 7 Things To Do When Snow Keeps You Home.” The weakness of the list inspired ‘Puter to write down the Top 7 things your Gormogons do to pass the time during the 17 month winters at Castle Gormogons’ undisclosed location.
1. Have GorT go back in time before the blizzards hit and preemptively clean out all supermarkets of bread, milk and toilet paper. Sit back and watch hilarity ensue!
2. Dig snow tunnels on the serfdom inside the Castle Gormogon moat and play C.H.U.D. with unsuspecting vassals.
3. Reenact the movie Alive, with Dat Ho and Sleestak as entrees.
4. Hole up in ‘Puter’s Party Pit with Mrs. ‘Puter, ignore the kids, and practice making more ‘Puter spawn. (‘Puter specific activity).
5. Watch Czar act out the opening scene from Lawrence of Arabia, except instead of riding a camel across the desert, Czar will ride a tauntaun across the frozen tundra.
6. Erect a giant steel mesh globe a la Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome on the cricket pitch. Pit neighbors against each other in a death match, offering a snow blower as a victory prize. Two in, one out!
7. Hijack Mandarin’s orbital mind control lasers. Use them to melt the snow between Castle Gormogon and Popeye’s. Take Volgi’s slave-borne litter and get some red beans ‘n’ rice and spicy dark meat yard bird. Mmmmmm.
See? That wasn’t so difficult, was it, ABC?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.