After You, Madame Speaker
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has gone all in on the tragically flawed Health Care Reform Effort on behalf of the Democrat caucus.
Making the Sunday talk show rounds, Speaker Pelosi told moderate Democrats in competitive districts that they were going to have to sacrifice their careers for the greater glory of health care reform.
‘Puter will give $10.00 to the first Democrat who stands up and says that he’s willing to sacrifice his career, but only if Speaker Pelosi submits her resignation, effective immediately upon enactment of health care reform. Speaker Pelosi’s seat would be safe for any Democrat who ended up running for it (she represents San Francisco), so it’s not like her resignation alone would imperil the current Democrat majority. We’d see pretty quickly if Speaker Pelosi is willing to take the medicine she freely prescribes others in her caucus.
In other words, put up or shut up, Nancy.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.