Not content to change the way we do healthcare, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced on Sunday that her goal is to reform the United States’ geography. Alaska and Hawaii will be towed, at a cost of $1.9 trillion, to an area west of California, where they will be encompassed by the same Congressional district for which Madame Speaker Pelosi reps.

“For too long,” the Speaker said, “We have marginalized the people of Hawaii and Alaska. Now we will finally make them continguous.” The current Democratic congressional representatives of Hawaii will be re-assigned, possibly to Alaska. “I deeply and truly regret that we will need to transfer their representation elsewhere; I know how hard it is to be separated from your electorate, and therefore we must act as a family to provide for them. We are, all of us, truly a family.” As for the Alaskan Republican representation, she added, “They can go to hell.”

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.