Jive Turkey!
‘Puter’s stepping into your Volgi’s territory here, but never let it be said that Congress misses an opportunity to muck something up.
The House Foreign Affairs Committee, apparently willfully ignorant of Turkey’s hypersensitivity to the issue, today voted 23-22 to declare the Ottoman killings of 1.5 million Armenians during World War I “genocide.” Turkey promptly recalled its ambassador. This from the smartest, most ethical-est Congress ever.
Whether or not you believe Turkey’s killing of thousands of Armenians to be genocide or not, we should all be able to agree that it is not in the United States’ national interest to tweak Turkey on a non-essential issue. What, other than assuaging hippie-liberal feel-good do-gooder consciences, was the purpose of this? The resolution did not help the Armenians; Turkey’s not made a business of slaughtering them for nearly a hundred years. What it did do is alienate an(other) ally (see, e.g., Britain, Poland, Czech Republic), this one whose territory we use to supply our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, for no good reason.
And we’re supposed to trust this group of deep thinkers to run our health care system? ‘Puter’s pretty sure he doesn’t trust a Congress unable to determine what’s in our nation’s best interest to determine what’s in ‘Puter’s personal best interest.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.