Some people are too stupid to eat, or in Lindsay Lohan’s case, exist. ‘Puter is reminded of these incontrovertible facts upon perusal of the media this morning.

First, the New York Times feels the duty to weigh in on a tort claim against McDonald’s. One Mr. Sutton purchased a fried chicken sandwich, and biting into it, discovered it was hot. So hot, in fact, that it burned his lips. Mr. Sutton claims that, unbeknownst to him, there was hot grease contained in his sandwich, the same sandwich that contained chicken recently deep fried in boiling oil. Predictably, the New York Times thinks it’s government’s job to protect a full grown adult from foreseeably hot food. Was Mr. Sutton burned? Sure. Is it McDonald’s fault? No. Even ‘Puter’s 8 year old knows if the food’s hot, let it cool off before shoving it pell-mell into your food hole.

Item the second. Lindsay Lohan thinks the E*Trade baby commercial featuring the “milkaholic” baby Lindsay is a unauthorized use of her image and sued everyone involved in the ad campaign for $100 million. Ms. Lohan’s premise is that because the baby in question is (1) named Lindsay, (2) stole her friend’s boyfriend like the (baby version) skank she is, and (3) is an alcoholic, the baby is unquestionably a depiction of Lindsay Lohan. ‘Puter doesn’t know what’s sadder: Ms. Lohan implicitly acknowledging that she’s a skanky alcoholic, or Ms. Lohan expressly acknowledging she’s so self-centered she thinks a fictional baby named Lindsay = her. As an aside, there is no way in heck that Ms. Lohan’s reputation is worth $100 million after her one-woman crusade to destroy her public persona.

There is a common thread between these two lawsuits, one that troubles ‘Puter deeply. That thread? No one is responsible for his own actions. It’s always someone else’s fault.

Hey, America. Sometimes bad stuff happens for no reason whatsoever. It’s no one’s fault. Suck it up, dust yourself off and get on with it. And laugh at yourself because you’re not as cool as you think you are. You’ll be happier in the long run.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.