Ubi Caritas ... - The Gormogons

Gormogon operative FJR reports to ‘Puter from an undisclosed yurt on the central Eurasian steppes with the following observation on charity:

Since the Federal Government has decided that it is their job to be benevolent I have decided to redirect a significant portion of my charitable giving to political causes that promote liberty and freedom. My charitable giving is no longer needed since the Government will take care of our social problems.

‘Puter’s been wondering a bit about this as well, nudged on by his liberal, pseudo-Catholic, government-idolater friends. Please point ‘Puter to a spot in scripture or in Catholic teaching where it says that you can susbstitute government programs for Jesus’ individual mandate of charity. Forced “charity” is no charity at all, and negates fully the intrisic value of charity freely given.

And, as FJR reminds us, support those causes in which you fervently believe. Don’t assume someone else has got it covered.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.