Tee Frikkin’ Hee
‘Puter’s correspondent Uncle Jay (of Listen to Uncle Jay fame) forwarded a link to this New York Times story on ObamaCare’s implementation.
In its haste to cram poorly drafted health care reform legislation down our throats, Congress inadvertently ordered itself and its immediate staffers to drop their current health care and move into the government run insurance exchanges. That’s not so bad, right? Congress is going to have to swallow its own bitter medicine along with the rest of us, right?
It’s better than that. There are no government run insurance exchanges. In fact, there will be no government run health insurance exchanges for four more years. So Congress and its staffers have ordered themselves to do the impossible. As a result, by their own hand, they are federally mandated to carry no health insurance.
As Uncle Jay succinctly put it, “[t]his is what happens when you don’t read it first, dumb*ss.” ‘Puter added the asterisk, to make up for his picture of Dat Ho and Sleestak at the Speedos ‘n’ Rasslin’ Boots Expo yesterday. Sorry again for that, JAB.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.