The Czar frequently needs to hit a reset button once in a while, and point out where both liberals and conservatives should be agreeing, and, like today, where they need to make some changes.

Advice to Liberals.

1. Republicans and Conservatives are not, by and large, racists. Most of the openly racist folks in this country, from Senator Robert Byrd to Fred Phelps to Jeremiah Wright, are all registered Democrats. Each time you accuse one of us for being racist, all you succeed in doing is making our eyes roll and chuckle. Clean your own house out first, before attempting to condemn others’ homes.

2. Strongly consider disavowing the use of pop culture shorthand. Here are a few phrases you should avoid using: status quo, Bush lied, denier, tea bagger, Main Street (as the antithesis of Wall Street), green jobs, troglodytes, social justice, fat cats, (organized religion as an) American Taliban, blowhard, Faux News, postpartisan, oil war, game changer, dittoheads, and so on. You should definitely talk about the issues, but declare a moritorium on these buzzwords. Why? Because they tip your hand. A conservative hearing these words immediately tunes you out because you are repeating something you got off SNL or an email thread, and that you really cannot go deeper than fifteen seconds into an issue before gassing. We know you are parroting, and not thinking. No, it’s just as bad when conservatives do it, too: but you are, of course, supposed to be better, right?

3. Can you please respond to questions and observations without mentioning Sarah Palin? Conservatives are developing an attitude, all thanks to you, that you cannot even be asked for the time of day without a snide comment about Ms. Palin. You do realize, do you not, that she is not a political visionary for conservatives, and that the majority of conservatives treat her as interesting but ultimately a non-player. On the other hand, insulting her at every opportunity forces everyone but you to develop sympathy for her. Ms. Palin’s continued popularity is solely due to your efforts at crucifying her for everything from the Democrats’ fall from power to your kitchen blender not working like it used to.

4. Bush quietly turned over his presidency in January, 2009. Yes, he left the economy in tatters, with unsolved military situations, and with a lot of spending-induced debt. None of this gives the President a free pass in a far worse economy, unsolved military situations, and a record spending-induced debt beyond all description. Each day, the tu quoque arguments lose validity. Rather than point a finger back, you need to start owning up to the fact that things then were actually better. Blaming Bush is soooo 2008.

Advice to Conservatives.

1. Please stop referring to the President by cutesy-pie nicknames like Obamao, Obummer, and other cognomen swiped off talk-radio. At best, it won’t do more than crack a wry smile the first time you say it, and typically it gets painfully trite by the second time you use it, especially in the same sentence. These nicknames get annoying, and it sounds just as dumb as when the other side said “Dubya” for everything. Instead, call him “The President,” or “President Obama,” or just “Obama.”

2. Please drop the birth certificate crap. The President is not beholden to you to present his birth certificate to anyone. He was born in Hawaii. Hawaii is and was a state at the time. If there was any credibility to the idea he might not be a US citizen, you can bet Hillary would have smeared it across his forehead in early 2008. And besides, what’s your fricking game plan? To get Joe Biden made President?

3. Conservatives tend not to use as many buzzwords as liberals. But there are some concepts out there that tell liberals you are in intellectual neutral. For example: discuss what is actually in the Constitution, not solely what the forefathers intended. Also, make sure that when you quote the Constitution, you are not quoting the Declaration of Independence. The Czar hears that a lot, and it simply reveals that you might not have read either.

4. Further, quoting (or misquoting) Bible verses as endorsement for policital issues show you are not well-read on either. The Bible, incidentally, is quite clear on why it cannot be used to promote political agendas. Also, be reeeally careful when letting folks lead lengthy prayers or endorse religion at Tea Parties: often it becomes clear that they are not there to strengthen the conservative movement, but recruit for their own religion. That, more than anything else, fuels the liberals’ notion that conservatives favor a Christian sharīʿa. We know where that leads. Religion is a great thing to be sure: but it is a lousy weapon.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.