America’s Naptime
If we needed any extra proof as to why baseball is boring, let me point to three pieces of recent empirical evidence:
1. During their eighth straight loss (all at home), the Seattle Mariners’ Ken Griffey Jr. fell asleep in the clubhouse DURING the eighth inning.
2. During extra innings between the NY Mets and SF Giants, All-Star Keith Hernandez fell asleep in the commentator’s booth. Even a baseball player can’t stay awake watching a game.
3. Dallas Braden of the Oakland Athletics pitched a “perfect game” (as far as baseball stats go, I guess) – only the 19th time a MLB pitcher has done so. Why is such an exciting event evidence of the sport’s ennui? Only 12,228 people were in “official” attendance when he did so – that is roughly a third of the capacity of the Oakland Coliseum when configured for baseball.
So for all the hoopla over America’s Pastime, it’s clearly become America’s Naptime. Maybe they should consider cutting about half of the games out of the 162-game season. Really, how many times do you need to face an opponent to determine the best team? Maybe stadiums should get rid of the clubhouses and other snooze zones for players. You know, I doubt you’ll see any sleeping this summer during the World Cup.
GorT is an eight-foot-tall robot from the 51ˢᵗ Century who routinely time-travels to steal expensive technology from the future and return it to the past for retroinvention. The profits from this pay all the Gormogons’ bills, including subsidizing this website. Some of the products he has introduced from the future include oven mitts, the Guinness widget, Oxy-Clean, and Dr. Pepper. Due to his immense cybernetic brain, GorT is able to produce a post in 0.023 seconds and research it in even less time. Only ’Puter spends less time on research. GorT speaks entirely in zeros and ones, but occasionally throws in a ڭ to annoy the Volgi. He is a massive proponent of science, technology, and energy development, and enjoys nothing more than taking the Czar’s more interesting scientific theories, going into the past, publishing them as his own, and then returning to take credit for them. He is the only Gormogon who is capable of doing math. Possessed of incredible strength, he understands the awesome responsibility that follows and only uses it to hurt people.