Justin Bieber Is Dreamy!
And, part of the ongoing Gormogon quest for world domination. Master Bieber’s role in the plot will be revealed to our readers in the fullness of time.
Now gaze upon Master Bieber and his hypnotic hair* until you no longer question the absolute supremacy of your Gormogons! Do it! Do it now!
Oops. ‘Puter’s said to much. Ignore this, and whatever you do, don’t tell Czar ‘Puter said anything. If you do, ‘Puter will lose commissary privileges for a month.
*When queried about Master Bieber and his coif, GorT’s fembot offspring could only manage to get the following out: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!1! ZOMG!1!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.