Scientists Differentiate Ass from Elbow
The Czar is of course a dear fan of science, but not the media. Sometimes the two collaborate to tick us off, though.
Two studies caught our eye in the last 24 hours.
1. Scientists link processed meats like bacon and bologna to heart disease and stroke.
2. Scientists determine obese children more likely to suffer from bullying.
First, whenever you see the word “scientists” in a news story, your first reaction ought to be “How many? Two? Three?” Because the real story is like this: two scientists write a deep and complex paper and get it published in a periodical. The editors of the periodical write an abstract for it. The journalism school doofus who gets assigned the job of Science Editor scans the abstracts and decides to translate a part of it into a news story as best as he understood the gist of the abstract. Bang. Done. And it will be incorrect or woefully incomplete. The tip off? The headlines or intro starts with the word scientists.
However, in this case, these are pretty stupid studies. Allow the Czar to save the community more time.
3. Scientists discover that Czar’s ball peen hammer hurts when swung into their heads.
4. Scientists agree that proving the obvious does no good at all.
5. Scientists find that working for common good and knowledge is received more popularly by public.
There. All better.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.