Elena Kagan, International Woman of Mystery
Elena Kagan’s nomination hearings begin today. Ms. Kagan is something of a cipher. Heck, when even the New York Times is calling for a thorough inquiry into a lefty President’s nominee, you can be certain that no one really knows what Ms. Kagan believes.
Sure, even if Ms. Kagan turns out to be an ultra-leftie she’s simply replacing one of the most reliable liberal votes currently on the court (The Hon. John Paul Stevens). But Ms. Kagan is only 50 years old. She would likely be on the Court for at least 25 years.
And, as we see today, a single vote is the difference between a strong Second Amendment applied to the states and the Second Amendment as an interesting historical sidenote.
Senators, do your job. Figure out what Ms. Kagan believes. Until she tells you, do not hold a vote. Both liberals and conservatives should be able to agree on this issue. Heck, ‘Puter and the New York Times agree, though for different reasons.
Ms. Kagan will be confirmed, but aren’t Senators entitled to know what they’re confirming before they vote?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.