'Puter's Home With Colbert I. King

‘Puter did not end up in Saratoga this weekend after all. His back prevented him from sitting in the car for four hours. So, therefore, it’s another weekend of waking at 5:30 because he can’t sleep any longer between the back pain and lack of activity. So you, dear readers, will be treated to a full weekend of ‘Puter engaged with the Gormogons.

First up, Colbert I. King writing in this morning’s Washington Post. Is it just ‘Puter or is the quality of opinion writers falling precipitously? Mr. King’s entire thesis is: Obama is a good husband and father because Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are lousy people.

Uh, Mr. King, have you heard the phrase “even a broken clock’s correct twice a day?” Simply put, just because someone is stupid/conservative/bad/evil/Republican does not necessarily make that person wrong. It is incumbent on you, the proponent of the proposition “President Obama is a good husband and father” to actually make the case. And ‘Puter believes there is a good case to make in support of that proposition. But one actually has to make the argument, not resort to petty name calling and irrelevant comparisons.

One cannot simply say “Palin, Limbaugh and Gingrich are bad parents and/or spouses; therefore, President Obama is a good spouse and parent.” That argument would get ‘Puter’s spawn ridiculed. It’s certainly not worthy of a nationally syndicated Washington Post columnist.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.

The Gormogons

‘Puter’s Home With Colbert I. King