Secret Project Update
As you know, the Gormogons have many, many secret and special projects under way at any given moment. Some are so important, that we trust them not even to our favorite underlings.
The Volgi, for example, returned from the 8th Parallel Something or Other Hell to oversee one of his special projects, so vital to our cause that the Volgi himself takes special interest in it. Here is a photo sent from space, in which the Volgi sees one of our most promising efforts to date, Stephen Strasburg of the Washington Nationals.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.