Operative JS writes in:

Will I see you at the Lou Ferrigno booth at this weekend’s Comic Con? I read a story that he comes to every event he can and that just about everyone who wants his autograph at this point should have it already, so it’s not clear why he keeps coming, but there must be enough suckers, I mean fans, to make it worth his while.

Wow. No, it is fairly safe to say that you would not see any of us at a ComicCon-type of event. The last thing an 800-year psychotic despot, a sorcerer-like avatar of Confucius,* an eight-foot-tall time traveling robot, whatever the hell ‘Puter is, and a pan-dimensional twisted super genius who live in a Castle with a Sleestak, a yeti, and a revivified Egyptian mummy butler would ever do is hang out with a bunch of dorks with no grasp of reality.

Many years ago, the Vogi had a contest for us to come up with the most pathetic character anyone would dress up as at one of those conventions. The Czar may be incorrect, but he is fairly certain he won with his entry: Dr. Z, from Galactica 1980. If you happen to attend one of these gatherings of the fantasy-prone, and you see someone dressed as Dr. Z, stroll on up, punch him smack in the face, and say “The Czar says hi.” He will understand, even if he pretends he does not. You could stab him in the face with a pen, but frankly, that’s been done before.

On a different note, I notice that you have another “JS” as a fan — how will you tell the two of us apart?!

Puh-leeze. You expect any of us to believe that there are two of you? Are you sure you are not simply splitting your personalities again? Sure, sure, you believe that multiple personality disorder is a television myth with very little clinical reality. Fine; consider the possibility that they are both you, with one of you writing in from the very distant future. That sort of thing happens here all the time. Just the other day, we will have been planning to have been receiving mail from you on a similar topic.

*For those who came in late, Confucius is the Gormogons’ Œcumenical Volgi.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.