Presidential Vacations
The press, both here and abroad, are now focusing on the Obama family’s serial vacations. Criticizing presidents for taking so-called vacations has always struck ‘Puter as blazingly stupid. It was stupid when the press jumped all over President Bush for his frequent sojourns to his Crawford, Texas ranch, and it’s just as stupid when President Obama gets jumped for spending some time in Martha’s Vineyard.
The modern president is never out of touch. Not for a second. There are various staff and secret service professionals around at all times. There’s an entire apparatus dedicated to ensuring his constant availability. Neither is the president ever off-duty. The job is 24/7/365. This constant burden explains why all presidents prematurely age in office.
With this in mind, does it really matter where the President is at any given time? He can do his job whether he is in Beijing or Boise, Seville or Seattle. It matters not. So, jump all over the president for what he has done and what he has failed to do, but leave him the heck alone for traveling to a vacation destination with his family. He’s still on the job.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.