Re: Why Big Media Is Failing
Lovely Female Co-Worker submits her article for the front page of tomorrow’s Democrat and Chronicle.
Woman Enjoys Pickle for First Time in Decade
After accidentally killing her husband in a grilling accident ten years ago, Susie Smith was without a man to open the lids on her jarred foods.
“I just wasn’t strong enough to get those darn lids off, so I gave up. I stopped buying pickles. I missed them.”
Last week, Susie finally figured out how get the remote control to the TV to work after years of hitting on the coffee table and whining and complaining that it had too many buttons. She saw a commercial for revolutionary product that would solve her pickle predicament. The jar opener. Unable to control her shopping addiction like so many other women, she ran right out to buy one.
“It’s this little rubber sheet that grips the lid while you twist. It popped right off! I couldn’t control my tears.”
Susie now spends her days perfecting the art of pickle grilling.
[Lovely Female Co-Worker], freelance BS writer
‘Puter smells a Gormogon contest coming on! What say you, O Great and Lofty Czar?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.