Requiem Aeternam Dona Ei, Domine
‘Puter’s grandmother died this past weekend, 15 days shy of her 101st birthday. As such, ‘Puter will be heading home to attend the funeral. Don’t expect a lot of blogging out of him for the next few days.
In the course of speaking with his siblings over the last few days, ‘Puter heard his grandmother was paid one of the highest tributes anyone can be paid. In the well-put words of ‘Puter’s sister:
Another thing I learned from Granny’s lady friends and caretakers at [name of assisted care facility] is that she was universally admired for never having a bad word to say about anyone. Always positive and kind. One old lady told me, very seriously, that “Your grandmother is very, very special because if she doesn’t have something nice to say, she doesn’t say anything at all.” Mom also confirms that all her life Granny never gossiped, which strikes me as an incredibly rare gift. From my experiences with Granny, I’ve known her to be an emotionally strong woman, happy and positive, who seemed never to get embarrassed by anything, always smiling and laughing, complimenting others, never dwelling on herself, her problems, or the hard times in life. I’d describe her as social and gregarious and fun-loving. She loved to play pool and watch golf on TV (and tell me that golf is a wonderful sport that all girls should pick up), she volunteered as a clown (and made [third husband (she outlived three and one fiance)] do it too), she was always involved in everything, as a leader. She loved chocolate and coffee ice cream and sunflowers, and she always took pleasure in the little things in life. I’d attribute her long life almost entirely to her positive attitude.
‘Puter hopes that can live up to his Granny’s example, physically, mentally and spiritually. Hopefully, we can all learn something from ‘Puter’s Granny’s example.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.