‘Puter’s been notably absent from these parts of late, and there’s a good explanation for that. ‘Puter blew his back out again, and on Sunday was unable to get out of bed even to make the short trip to the Castle’s facilities.

‘Puter subsisted on muscle relaxants, vicodin and ibuprofen until yesterday, when he was able to get out of bed and get to the doctor’s office. The doctor did x-rays, which were negative for bone degeneration and arthritis, but did show slight lumbar scoliosis.

The doctor then referred ‘Puter for an MRI, and ‘Puter was able to get in the same day for imaging. ‘Puter expects the results on Tuesday, and to thereafter develop a course of treatment in consultation with his physician and a spine specialist.

Spending the last five days mostly flat on his back in bed (thank goodness for iPhones and the new Netflix app), ‘Puter’s had an astonishing amount of time to think and to reflect. ‘Puter’s come up with the following observations:

1. Back injuries absolutely suck. ‘Puter knows that this is a self-evident proposition, but when one has back pain, it’s always at the forefront of one’s mind.

2. America’s medical system is truly exceptional for the vast majority of people. ‘Puter was able to get multiple diagnostic tests within hours of seeing his doctor, and the x-rays were performed right in his doctor’s office. He expects that is surgery is recommended, he will get that within the next couple of weeks. And that is absolutely incredible.

3. ObamaCare a/k/a socialized medicine will destroy the responsiveness of our current medical system. Without a profit motive, no new technologies will be developed. And cost saving measures likely would have prevented ‘Puter from getting prompt diagnostic care. ‘Puter would likely have been prescribed bed rest, drugs and physical therapy once he could move again. These changes seem like a net negative to ‘Puter, but then again, he’s on muscle relaxants, so it’s difficult to think clearly.

4. Every medical person ‘Puter has dealt with in the last week, from receptionist to radiologist, from pharmacist to physician, has been unfailingly professional and compassionate. Our medical establishment is the best in the world because of its people.

5. ‘Puter was amazed at the imaging technology available, and thankful for the men and women who developed it, and continue to develop it, for it makes the world a better place. Whether they do it for profit or for pride matters not to ‘Puter. But if America cuts out the profit motive, there will be fewer advances in medical technology in the future, of that you can be certain.

6. A man who has no faith is lost when difficult times come. And come they always do.

7. A man who has no family is poor, regardless of his worldly possessions.

In sum, ‘Puter’s had ample time to reflect on his priorities, and he’s found they correspond nicely with those of his high school gym teacher (a character and legend in his own right). Coach used to say, “Boys, the most important things in life are God, family, country and school, in that order.”

‘Puter is unable to improve on Coach’s wisdom.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.