Your Gormogons met in plenary session in the rumpus room last evening to debate and decide a pressing issue: whether to waive the well-known Rule of Three. That is, a joke should be retired from The Gormogons’ lexicon after three uses.

The debate was fast and furious, and Dat Ho had a difficult time recording minutes, mostly due to the fact that Mandarin kept disassembling and reassembling Dat Ho in whimsical fashion, using his Antient Farr Easte Magick (TM).

‘Puter did manage to save the portion of the minutes containing the approved resolution, which mercifully omits all discussion of sandblasting the Castle’s mineral baths because of the unidentified substances adhering to the walls after ‘Puter’s Come As You Are Hottub Party. If you didn’t get your invitation, it must have been lost in the mail. Really. ‘Puter totally invited you.

Here’s the text:

At a meeting of The Gormogons held 13 Cheshvan 5771 in The Castle, County of Montogmery, State of Bliss, the Gormogons governing body, the Assembled Multitude, took the following action on unanimous consent:

WHEREAS, the Rule of Three is mandated by the Codex Gormogonicum, to be followed upon pain of expulsion; and

WHEREAS, ‘Puter Gormogon has moved the Assembled Multitude to amend the Rule of Three to permit him to continue using “as a karate expert” at odd and random times during his ramblings; and

WHEREAS, Czar finds the meme so danged funny he routinely loses bladder control, not otherwise induced by drunkenness or anti-malarial drugs; and

WHEREAS, Jimmy McMillen, head of the Rent Is Too Damned High Party has the baddest-ass facial hair Your Volgi has seen in the last millenium (excepting his, of course); and

WHEREAS, Mandarin was too distracted by disassembling and reassembling Dat Ho to care about the business before the Assembled Multitude; and

WHEREAS, GorT stated in response to the request 01001011 01100001 01010010 01100001 01010100 01100101 00100000 01000101 01111000 01010000 01100101 01010010 01110100; and

WHEREAS, ‘Puter argued that Jesus Himself was a founding member of The Rent Is Too Damned High Party as a result of his parents being refused service at the Inn and his resultant birth in a manger, because THE RENT WAS TOO DAMNED HIGH; and

WHEREAS, Your Volgi, who masqueraded as Kaspar and was therefore present shortly after Our Lord’s birth provided eyewitness confirmation of ‘Puter’s assertion; and

WHEREAS, ‘Puter provided the Assembled Multitude photographic proof that Jesus Himself was in fact a karate expert (provided above);

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT:

RESOLVED, that the Assembled Multitude hereby amends the Codex Gormogonicum to permit ‘Puter to utilize the meme “as a karate expert” in a manner that would otherwise violate the Rule of Three.

The remainder of the text was lost to history because of the unfortunate fire started when Czar spilled his curacao and kerosene on Mandarin’s joss stick embers.

So, look forward to the continuation, albeit with discretion, of the “as a karate expert” meme.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.