CNN Headline: “Where Vaccine Doubt Persists“

As a karate expert, ‘Puter knows that this, if a question at all, is rhetorical. ‘Puter, however, has ready answers (short and long form).

Short answer: In the mind of morons.

Longer answer: In the minds of parents willing to gamble with the lives of their children (and those of whom they come into contact) to prove a proposition that has been conclusively disproven by science.

‘Puter feels the need to state his position on anti-vaccination activists again. Your fetishism is a quasi-faith, not based in fact or factual inquiry, but in your fervently held belief that you alone know better than generations of doctors and research scientists. Your scientifically disproven belief system endangers not only your own family, but every individual you selfish bastards come into contact with. You are modern geocentrists [ed. — ‘Puter originally had heliocentrists here due to too much midmorning Benedictine & Bismol. His large point stands.], convinced of the correctness of your position, yet demonstrably, provably wrong. Tragically wrong.

You should be shunned in polite company, and excluded from all public and government places, as you are a walking, breathing public health risk. Your unvaccinated kids should not attend school. Private businesses should be free to bar you from entry. You should not receive any government benefits. Your children should be removed from your home as refusal to vaccinate is prima facie evidence of neglect, as it endangers their lives. ‘Puter is in favor of making your lives so frikkin’ miserable you rethink your position and vaccinate.

You can whine and bitch and moan all you want about your “right” not to be vaccinate, but ‘Puter calls bullshit. You have no right to endanger ‘Puter’s life, or those of ‘Puter’s family. Your right to freely do as you will ends the moment you interfere with someone else’s basic right, such as the right to live. You are modern Luddites, destroying life-saving herd immunity through your selfish acts. You are beneath ‘Puter’s contempt.

There are those out there who think ‘Puter is overreacting. Oh yeah? Check these pictures out if you have a strong stomach. Smallpox. Polio. Diptheria. Whooping cough (above, right). Tetanus. Hepatitis. Need ‘Puter go on? Each of these is entirely preventable through a cheap, safe and effective vaccine.

The only exception to ‘Puter venomous hatred are those who cannot be vaccinated for legitimate reasons (i.e., those with life threatening allergies, compromised immune systems, etc.). In fact, it is for these people that we owe a duty to be vaccinated and to have those for whom we are responsible vaccinated. Have we as a society lost sight of the quaint “duty to others” concept?

Refusal to vaccinate, when such vaccinations are required and free, is morally reprehensible, and, within Castle jurisdiction, punishable by death. Death by one of the diseases you refuse to vaccinate against.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.