Crazy, Violent Tea Partiers!
At least that’s what ‘Puter’s liberal friends all claim. You see, every single tea partier is an inbred, knuckle-dragging trogolodyte within an inch of resorting to utter, catastrophic violence to return America to the dark ages before President Clinton. Yet ‘Puter’s friends can point to no incident where a bona fide (i.e., not a leftie plant) tea partier has done anything violent.
Confidential note to ‘Puter’s liberal friends: stuff you disagree with does not equal violence.
What to make of this, then? It seems our friends on the left so deranged by Sarah Palin that they are willing to kill Bristol Palin to eradicate the looming Palin threat.
So, the next time you hear some soft-minded liberal droning on about non-existent tea party violence, ask him his opinion on whether he supports the execution of Bristol Palin, as his fellow travelers do.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.