Loyal Gormogon operative D.T. has filed the following request through the castle’s 24-hour help desk line at 1-666-BOOTGUT:

Oh Terrible Mandarin, who by the way is not named after those yummy oranges after all, I am the proud father of a high school football player. In order to support the team I’m a member of the booster club (note: “booster”, not “booter”, hence the reason for this epistle). Our football program has grown over the past few years, and as such we can no longer all fit into the high school cafeteria for our annual banquet. “No problem”, quoth we, and arranged for off-site banquet facilities.

Everyone from the principal to the superintendant to the board of education prompty went ape-poop, even though other schools in the area used such facilities every year (evidently without the knowledge of the administration). A sternly-worded memo (smelling of ditto ink, I assume) was circulated to all clubs in all schools, explaining that this is UNACCEPTABLE and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and ALL BANQUETS MUST BE HELD IN THE SCHOOLS.

I had assumed that this was merely due to public employee union buffoonery – that the lunch ladies had a clause in their contract giving them overtime for overcooking ziti or something. Nay nay! It seems it’s because of the dreaded Title IX! The powers that be so fear the perception of inequality (what? The knitting team can’t have a banquet at the same place??) that they’ll make everyone have a crappy time at the school cafeteria.

So, beloved and tasty Mandarin, may I humbly request a gut-booting for the following people:

– The principal, superintendant, and board of ed members who support this policy

– Any feculent knob of a congresscritter that voted for Title IX

– My ex-wife

– The loathsome swine who conceived of Title IX and then lobbied for it?

I remain at your service,

D.T.

So if your Mandarin understands this situation, the school district is worried more about being sued because a club used an outside facility than the fines from the fire marshal for having too many people in the room, and the subsequent litigation from angry family members when they find out that their children were put at risk of not being able to escape the room in time in the event of an emergency.

Based on these facts, your Mandarin has approved this request for service and agrees that the individuals listed above do indeed deserve a Mandarin infused Boot-in-the-Gut (patent pending) for this obvious lack of common sense, and the fact that “she” is your ex-wife.

And because you are purchasing more than one Boot-in-the-Gut today, shipping and handling are free. Remember that if you are not fully satisfied, just return the unused portion for a full refund minus shipping, environmental cleanup expenses, legal fees, 1-pint of various bodily fluids, and handling fees. The Gormogons or any of its subsidiaries are not liable for any intentional use or misuse of this product and the subsequent harm it may cause for the user, victim, environment, space-time continuum, and/or the liberal/progressive movement.

The Mandarin

The Mandarin, whose real name is 吏恆, joined the order in 1309, and introduced the Gormogons into England during the 18th Century.

The Mandarin enjoys spending time with his pet manticore, Βάρἰκος, or Barry (who can be found in the Bestiary). When not in the Castle…well, frankly, nobody is quite sure where he goes.

The Mandarin popularized the fine art of “gut booting,” by which he delivers a powerful kick to the stomach of anyone that annoys him. Although nearly universal today, the act of gut booting or threatening someone or something with a gut boot is solely due to him.