Wild Assed Guessing [UPDATED]
It’s time for a little pre-election results prognostication from Your Gormogons. ‘Puter put the question to the Assembled Multitude at the Leaping Peacock’s Happy Hour.
What will be the net Republican gain in the House and Senate?
‘Puter: 64 House, 10 senate
Czar: 62 House, 8 Senate
Mandarin: 68 House, 11 Senate
Your Volgi: “What are these ‘elections’ of which you speak? And what of this so-called ‘democracy.’?!?” [Ensuing 48 minute diatribe on the merits of an absolute malign dictatorship deleted for sanity of all involved].
GorT: Could not be reached. On assignment in the Crab Nebula. He claims it’s a data collecting trip. ‘Puter thinks it’s got something to do with getting rid of those pesky critters he picked up from that drunken one night stand with Rosie Jetson.
‘Puter’s Upset Special: Ed Martin (R) over Russ Carnahan (D) in Missouri’s 3rd District.
Please feel free to write ‘Puter to tell him what a moron he is when the final results are tabulated. ‘Puter won’t beat you like a rented mule pour encourager les autres. He promises. At least not until he gets his monitoring bracelet removed.
UPDATE: GorT guessed 70 House, 9 senate prior to the close of any polling yesterday. ‘Puter misinterpreted GorT’s intergalactic transmission as a take out order for a polonium burrito, GorT’s favorite, as ‘Puetr’s binary is rusty. ‘Puter stands by his Rosie Jetson allegation, however.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.