In the Middle of an Island
Scientists at the University of Oklahoma are investigating whether bone fragments found on a deserted South Pacific island might in fact be those of Amelia Earhart. Heck, why bother investigating? The press has already decided they are, and that ought to be good enough.
Amazing, really, the amount of careful wording and cautionary explanations the scientists are giving, with one even predicting people will be disappointed if the bones turn out to be from some turtle.
Among the clues:
- Bottles found with heat damage, indicating someone boiled water in them.
- Makeup and hand lotion found from the 1930s.
- Fish bones prepared in a way that suggests American cooking techniques.
- A hat that said “A. Earhart.”
- A cigar box inscribed “Property of Fred Noonan, who was Amelia’s navigator, but I also shared co-piloting duties that history probably will not record.”
- A colony of about 50 inbred people, all named Fred or Amelia, who bear a striking resemblance to the castaways.
- A partially wrecked Lockheed Electra plane, converted into a comfortable two bedroom shelter, including working lavatory, shower with hot water, and galley kitchen, with registry numbers that match Earhart’s plane.
Although scientists are reluctant to confirm any of these findings until expensive tests are done, requiring complex government grants, they have proposed the island be closed off to tourists, and that the island be named Earhart’s Crash Site Island.
Here is the island:
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.