Dear Czarina of Eastern Ukraine,

I really liked your post about ‘Why Liberals Fight.’ I think you’re spot on in your analysis of the liberal base- divided. I think this was most evident at the last Democratic National Convention, and I am a little shocked that you didn’t mention it. What I remember from it was the Democrats trying to please everyone—unions, environmentalists, minorities, etc all at the same time. I had a large bowl of schadenfreude and it was delicious. I just wanted to mention that and try to feel superior to you.

Keep up the good work!

God Bless,

JS

Yikes. Well, three points:

1. Czarina? Really? You think Mrs. The Czar wrote that piece for us?
2. Eastern Ukraine? What is it with people trying to get me to live somewhere else? Muscovy is outside Chicago, to the West. Tiny little hamlet that never makes it onto maps. It is true, however, that the Czar has distant relatives in what is today the Ukraine, but the Лен clan would be in the far Western edge, not eastern.
3. You are superior to us. In fact, you have a great observation that ties into Puter’s superb encapsulation of the argument. Because Democrats have to appeal to so many tenuously allied special interests, you will notice that their speeches at national conventions tend to be slogan-based rather than tied to specifics. Because the devil, you know, is in the details. As well as other places, but mostly the details. If the speech makers got into how they will do things, exactly, their fragile coalitions will blow apart at square one. Tip for Republicans who read this site (like Rep. Paul Ryan!): keep providing specific details on how you will enact your legislation, and force the Democrats to do the same. They will start to split like heating badly cracked ice.

No, sadly, there are many people who can beat the Czar at all sorts of things. Indeed, the other four big-name Gormogons here are all smarter than the Czar at all kinds of stuff—our longevity together is based on the fact that each of knows how to destroy the other four…and that kind of keeps it all in check.

But outside of the Castle, it’s true, too. The Czar had a cousin named Врданреб who was able to split an oak tree with an axe in a single shot. Yeah, he was incredibly dumb, and Uncle Старепс’ dog used to enjoy tricking him at will, but what a beautiful axe swing he had. The Czar missed him the day his head went under the boiling oil for the last time, but that was why a smarter person wouldn’t piss off that dog. Let us also recall Great Aunt Жгаребцка, who could handle the balalika so much better than we. The Czar almost wept the day he threw her off a tower for stealing money. And someday the Czar will tell you about his misadventures with Ernesto the porch pooping possum, whom he has yet to defeat in battle.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.