Well, forget WikiLeaks. The Czar has had it with all you people whispering these little movie spoiler secrets back and forth. All right, here goes. The Czar is now going to spill on all those little movie tidbits people have been whispering about.

• Darth Vader is Luke’s father.
• Yeah, Bruce Willis is dead, which is how the kid sees him but neither the mom nor his wife ever interacts with him.
• Right, the girlfriend is actually a guy.
• Charlton Heston is actually on a post-nuclear war Earth.
• Preacher is actually a ghost sent by God to avenge the death of Megan’s dog.
• The whole movie was one of John Nash’s hallucinations.
• Yes, Willie Wonka is a cannibal.
• Schindler is shocked when the Nazis win World War II.
• Luca Brasi could not be killed because he was an alien.
• Norman Bates’ entire adventure takes place in his mind in the split second before he is hanged at Owl Creek Bridge.
• Zack Mayo does have somewhere else to go; he is simply a pathological liar.
• Popeye Doyle and Buddy Russo are secretly married, but cannot hide their feelings from the NYPD.
• Butch and Sundance are actually on a pilgrimage to the shrine of Thomas à Becket, relating the story as they go to pass the time.

There. Ruined ‘em all for ya.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.