Almighty Czar,

With regard to Net Neutrality, I was with you up until the paragraph starting, “The solution is butt-dumblingly simple.” You may have missed the memo, but in order to coin a new phrase (ingenious as that one may be), you’re supposed to pay $1200 to the “New Innurnet Clerver Phrase Copyright Office” located right next to the Gormogon Myrmidon Training Corps. Failure to do so, even by one as mighty as you, can result in censure, noogies, and evisceration. If you don’t recall, this surtax was passed in order to balance the Gormogonian Myrmidon Noogie Squadron™ training budget.

Warm Regards,

D.T.

Myrmidon Training Coordinator and California Sales Analyst

Yikes. The Czar was unaware about the $1200 hit. Nor is he certain where to send his money. But DT sure seems to know about this stuff, so if it is all right with him, please send him your cash, checks, and money orders to his attention. We are confident he will send it to the right place.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.