Well, you always wondered whether cell phones were really all that dangerous to use on planes, have you not? And CNN, digging deep, comes up with no answers at all, but instead puts together a godawful mess of a story.

Here are some things you should know about cell phone use on commercial aircraft, according to CNN:

• Arianna Huffington got hollered at for using a BlackBerry on a flight.
• The FCC bans their use as well as most other electronic equipment below 10,000 feet.
• A Boeing engineer thinks you should wear seat belts on planes.
• A New York lawyer survived a crash, as did everyone else, and cell phones had nothing to do with it. Even so, he is nervous.
• A study by Carnegie Mellon researchers came to no conclusions.
• Various companies offer telecommunications services on aircraft.
• An FCC spokesperson finds people who talk on cell phones are annoying.

Holy cats, did the Czar miss something here?

Yes, yes, he did: any actual analysis of whether cell phones are safe to use on planes.

Allow the Czar to tell you what CNN did not. Cell phones are safe to use on aircraft, which is why most air carriers offer cell phone services on their flights—at exorbitant rates, which they pocket. And why chartered air pilots generally do not give a crap if you use your phone on a plane.

Cell phones operate within known and restricted frequencies; GPS and other aircraft instrumentation do not operate at those frequencies, so interference is not going to happen. The FCC ban about using electronic devices is quite different, however: cell phones, laptops, smart phones, iPods, XM radio receivers, and the like will never interfere with aircraft operations for those same reasons. However, there is always some idiot out there who built his own radio system to listen in on pilot conversations, or to chat walkie-talkie-style to his drunk buddy in the back, or to operate his own radio show while in the air. These unlicensed, homegrown systems could easily jam pilot systems during takeoff and landing when voice communication is essential—and rather than try to predict and list all these specific items, it is a hell of a lot easier for everyone if they just ban all electronic devices at lower altitudes and cut off all homespun legal fencing that might follow. “You didn’t say ham radio transmitters needed to be turned off, did ya?”

So why prohibit your use of your own cell phone during flight, if safety is out of the question? Economics. First, the airlines lose out on the revenue they could capture by forcing you to use their service. But even more nasty is the FCC, who still feeds the carriers whatever they ask for.

If you use a cell phone during flight, it is quite possible for your cell phone to be picked up by multiple towers due to the speed of the phone moving through the cell as well as the height above ground; the operators of those towers then become unable to track your call. As a result, three or four towers handle your call at once, preventing two or three paying customers on the ground from accessing the tower. If thousands of people used cell phones in the air each day, it could cost the tower owners hundreds of dollars a month.

To prevent this, the cell tower operators (who are usually service providers like AT&T or Sprint) pressure the FCC to ban unrestricted cell phone use by air passengers. And the FCC simply agrees. And why studies will always prove inconclusive about the safety aspects.

Nothing more to it.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.