We all knew it was coming. The White House indicates that President Obama will soon give a speech calling for greater gun control, ostensibly to prevent the recurrence of a Tucson style event.

Newsweek, the Weekly Reader for putative adults, dutifully submits a Brady Center propaganda press release as a factual news article. In this article we learn:

1. The Tucson Massacre was a direct result of insufficiently stringent gun control laws.

“But throughout the hourlong speech, he never addressed the issue at the core of the Giffords tragedy—gun control—and what lawmakers would, or should, do to reform American firearm-access laws.”

2. The Tucson murderer (alleged) used an assault weapon in his rampage.

“… current laws, which now allow some mentally unstable people, such as alleged Arizona shooter Jared Loughner, to obtain certain assault weapons, in some cases without even a background check.”

3. The Brady Campaign is not an anti gun group, or even a pro-restriction group. It is a gun safety group.

“… Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the nation’s largest gun-safety group.”

4. The National Rifle association is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!1!

“… powerful gun lobby declined to comment.”

‘Puter thought the article was great, if you ignored the fact that most of the reporting is either thinly veiled opinion or outright lies.

1. The Tucson Massacre was not caused by insufficiently strict gun control laws. It was caused by the deranged actions of a madman. It was caused by parents who refused to institutionalize an obviously deranged son. It was caused by hippies who shut down asylums, turned the inmates loose on the street and made it tougher to involuntarily commit even the most obviously dangerous mentally ill person. Progress.

Way, way down on the list of proximate causes of this tragedy are gun laws. One might as well rail against the lax driver’s permitting laws which allowed the shooter unfettered access to a vehicle he used to transport himself across a large distance to get to his target.

‘Puter writes this off as typical leftie anti-gun bias. He has come to expect it in magazines edited by people who have never owned a gun in their lives.

2. The Tuscon shooter used a Glock 19 chambered in 9 mm in his killing spree. The Glock 19, even with an extended magazine does not meet the lapsed (or proposed) legal definition of assault weapon.

In order to be classified an assault weapon for federal purposes, a semi-automatic handgun must have a detachable magazine and at least two of the following characteristics: a magazine that attaches outside the grip; a threaded barrel; a barrel shroud to be used as a handhold; unloaded weight of 50 ounces or more; and it is a semi-automatic version of an automatic firearm.

An out of the box Glock 19 meets exactly none of these arbitrary criteria. The Tucson shooter’s Glock had a separately purchased extended magazine. Arguably, this meets one of the assault weapon ban’s criteria, as the extended magazine protrudes below the butt end of the pistol. Still, even viewed in the most favorable light, the shooter’s Glock was not an assault weapon.

‘Puter assumes this falsehood was the result of ignorance, rather than outright deception. But, if we’ve learned anything about the anti-gun lobby, we’ve learned that they’re willing to distort and lie to force their unconstitutional agenda.

3. The Brady Campaign is not a gun safety group. The NRA is a gun safety group. Gun safety indicates you care about making guns themselves safer and/or teaching gun owners safe gun handling procedures. The Brady Campaign is dedicated to the elimination of American citizens’ gun rights, not to gun safety. Unless by gun safety you mean “no one can own a gun.” If you don’t believe ‘Puter, spend a few moments perusing the Brady Campaign’s website.

4. The NRA is a voluntary lobbying organization dedicated to the protection of Americans’ Second Amendment rights. On second look, ‘Puter realizes that the article’s characterization, while biased, is correct. ‘Puter guesses that he mistook the one correct statement in the article as erroneous, well, because everything else was wrong.

And so Newsweek continues its decades long slide to irrelevance, all in furtherance of a liberal Utopian pipe dream.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.