I Loathe New York, Part Deux
Avid Gormogon readers know ‘Puter lives somewhere in the frozen tundra known as Upstate New York.
Readers also know it takes a special kind of person to live Upstate. One who overlooks the little things, like crumbling infrastructure, sky high taxes, slate gray skies with subfreezing temperatures for four months a year, an average of 9 feet of snow annually, high unmployment, shuttered industry, high urban crime rates, low graduation rates. ‘Puter thinks other people call these foolish metrics “quality of life issues.”
But ‘Puter digresses. ‘Puter has noticed of late that there’s something unique about his little portion of Upstate. We have the perviest federal politicians anywhere! Well, at least the dumbest and perviest. ‘Puter’s got four Congressional districts in his county, two of which were held by the aforementioned pervs: Eric Massa and Chris Lee. Sweet baby Jebus in the manger, ‘Puter prays Rep. Louise Slaughter doesn’t get in on the act. He’s got no deisre to see her shirtless and flexing.
‘Puter’s so proud of Messrs. Massa and Lee, showing for one and all the Upstate egalitarian spirit in action. Rep. Massa is a Democrat who liked pawing same-sex pages against their will and having nonconsensual tickle parties. Rep. Lee is a Republican who like the younger ladies, and his own buff torso, pictured above. One Democrat, one Republican. One likes men, the other ladies. Both fully committed to hard core perviness. What better exemplar of the Upstate spirit can there be?
If you’re looking for high taxes, pervy Congressman and gun-eating weather, move Upstate with ‘Puter. He’ll leave a light on and a bottle out for you.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.