Fat Bottomed Americans
Apropos of ‘Puter’s post below on New York’s odd fixation on bicycles, Dr. J writes in to remind ‘Puter of a basic fact. With the government, it’s all about the money.
I suspect that this is just another way to tax businesses. Bicycle Couriers are everywhere in NYC, and were even glamorized in that brilliant Kevin Bacon flic Quicksilver.
If couriers require licensing, they they pass those costs on to their customers who will then have smaller bottom lines. Your good state legislator will wrongly presume that this will solve their deficit problem, because you know that there are billions in untapped dollars available via bicycle licensing in NYC.
Dr. J is perceptive as always. ‘Puter’s certain this is simply a hare brained, short sighted “revenue enhancement” scheme (read: tax), designed to obviate the need for meaningful spending cuts.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.