‘Puter is a genius. Then again, you already knew this. ‘Puter has determined how to restore Governor Cuomo’s proposed $1.5 billion in cuts to education funding in New York.

All the state legislature has to do is agree to repeal section 524 of New York’s Education Law*, which reads as follows:

The right of a teacher to a pension, an annuity, or a retirement allowance, to the return of contributions, any benefit or right accrued or accruing to any person under the provisions of this article, and the moneys in the various funds created hereunder, are hereby exempt from any state or municipal tax, and shall not be subject to execution, garnishment, attachment or any other process whatsoever, and shall be unassignable except as in this article specifically provided.

Then, the nearly $24 billion in pension benefits paid out in 2010** (rising each year) become taxable at New York’s 6.85% unprogressive income tax rate (assuming no revivification of the Millionaire’s Tax, kicking in at $200,000 (legislators are bad at math, products of the New York education system)). Assuming for sake of argument that 75% of the pensions paid out would be taxable, that would result in $1.25 billion in new revenue, just waiting to be earmarked for education! ‘Puter’s certain there’s another $250 million or so that could be easily found. Perhaps by reducing New York’s Medicaid benefits to the federally mandated minimum. Heck, even reducing the benefits to merely twice the national average per recipient expenditure (based on 1999 figures) would save $2.7 billion, and New York’s Medicaid hemorrhaging has gone up — way up — since 1999.

But this post isn’t about Medicaid, it’s about education. Of our children. Our most precious natural resource. Arms are for hugging. Wouldn’t it be great if schools had all the money they wanted and the Pentagon had to hold a bakesale to buy its bombs? Visualize world peace. BUSHITLERWALKERBURTON UNION BUSTING SCUM!! Sorry. Nevermind.

The genius of ‘Puter’s plan is that no union retiree could legitimately complain about having his pension taxed for any number of reasons. Among them: (1) everyone else’s pension/retirement benefit is taxed, what makes your pension so frikkin’ special?; (2) we need to spread the wealth around; and (3) ZOMG!!1! IT’S 4 TEH CHILDRUNZ!!1!!eleven!!

*’Puter is too lazy to go find the statutory bases for tax exemption of other New York state worker pensions. However, ‘Puter is certain they exist. No state union gets benefits that the others don’t quickly find matched or exceeded in generosity by the legislature.

** Read this entire link to get a flavor of the crapstravaganza that is New York’s fiscal situation.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.