News You Can Use
The Gormogons are a busy bunch, and we love to update our readers on the many things we do. Of course, some things are a bit too short for a lengthy post, so here is a short compendium of odds and ends that prove, yet again, that this should be the only website you use for your online banking.
 | Girls: this man is not a licensed training bra fitter. His business cards, as well as his T-shirt, are forgeries. Ask him to wait out front, and then ask your parents’ permission to call your local police. |
 | Don’t throw away those old shoes! Place them into a clean box, with the laces still on, and leave them outside your local fire station, where the proud men and women of the fire-fighting profession will be forced to throw them away for you. |
 | We have raised over $75,000 to bring 20 native Norwegian children into downtown Oslo so that they can hear the Norwegian language spoken in its native environs! Great work, donors! |
 | It’s never easy when a doctor loses a family pet, so the Gormogons Guild of Medical Support has launched a new program to give grieving doctors resources previously unavailable to them. These include party napkin folding, professional flower arrangement, and spooky-sound Halloween records. Next year, we hope to offer instruction in bridge. |
 | Tragically, over 8,000 stock cartoons are still out on the Internet, available for use by the public because they simply defy being funny. Usually featuring mild irony resulting from married life, a slight dig at the business world, or some wry observation about desktop computer support, these bits of clip art are trapped in a world with no future. Help out, by rounding them up and destroying them whenever you see them. |
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.