Wobblies
‘Puter was perusing his mail last evening, after arriving home from work. You know, in a private sector job with no guarantee of continued employment, no pension, no limit on hours worked, no regular schedule, no work rules.
In the mail was Mrs. ‘Puter’s newest issue of New York State United Teachers‘ propaganda rag. ‘Puter foolishly decided to thumb through the magazine, and came upon a photo of a NYSUT member pro-union rally in Rochester, New York. In the photo gallery, there’s the usual assortment of “it’s for the children” signs. One of the signs, however, stood out to ‘Puter.
A white-bearded gent in a stocking cap to the right of the photo is holding a sign reading “Workers of the World Unite.”* Even cynical ‘Puter was taken aback.
There are two possibilities here, neither good for the union. The first is that the teacher, or fellow traveler, had no idea that his sign is a direct quote from Marx and Engels’ Communist Manifesto. This would be the “we’re stupid” possibility in ‘Puter’s formulation. The second is that the teacher knew full well, and believes Communism and its evils are just fine and dandy by him. This is, in ‘Puter’s lingo, the evil possibility. That is, the facts admit of two possibilities. NYSUT and its members are (a) stupid or (b) evil.
‘Puter hopes for the former, but expects the latter. And neither is a desirable status for the self-proclaimed shapers of America’s future.
*’Puter would be happy to provide a link to this photo. However, to the best of ‘Puter’s knowledge, NYSUT has not made it publicly available. It is not on NYSUT’s web page or on its Facebook page. Apparently, Communist sympathies must be hidden from the general public, lest the benighted lumpenproletariat misunderstand and storm the Reichstag.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.