Consider Canada
This is post is dedicated strictly to the handful of liberal readers that we have; more conservative, bitter, unhappy, and nasty readers who want the Czar to produce good quality essays can simply read this 2009 post for now.
Hello, liberals! We understand that the GOP victories last November made you quite nervous. Further, all this Paul Ryan budget talk is quite scary, since it appears to fix a huge amount of America’s financial worries, and has received the blessing of the CBO, President Obama’s own financial reform panel, and adopts every one of the SecDef’s requests. Why, there is practically nothing to hate about it, even as President Obama’s proposed budget was laughed into ridicule within minutes of its release. So we understand that this country is probably headed in a direction you do not like, and you may be wishing for a better alternative.
You might seriously consider Canada. As you know, life in Canada is absolutely awesome. Just about everyone speaks English, your American dollars will purchase a whole lot of loonies, so you will live very inexpensively there under very impressive conditions.
Further, as you are aware, the price of gas is very inexpensive in Canada as pretty much everyone bicycles there. This is why you do not hear the Canadians complaining about the price of gas in their SUVs. Also, they have never had an earthquake like at Japan, or a total meltdown like Three Mile Island because Canadians do not use any nuclear power whatsoever. They build a lot of fires in Canada, and there is lots of natural gas, so you will stay quite warm should there ever be a mildly cool day there despite global warming.
You will also be the first to acknowledge that Canadian medical care is second-to-none. And you do not have to pay for any of it: you can swing by the doctor to get an ibuprofen for your mild headache, or even get a full three-year cancer treatment plan just by walking in and asking. There are no fees or waiting lines. By the way, that cancer treatment uses the latest chemotherapy because there is no FDA there who is deep in the pockets of big pharma to withhold necessary medicines. Even better, that treatment will also cover holistic, organic acu-aroma needle moxibustion with a spiritual advisor because Canadians are not forced to use expensive pro-medicine treatments by the corporate profit-driven big hospitals.
Canadians are extremely pleasant and fun-loving; there is no crime there because they have strict and sensible gun control laws. There is no murder there, and the court system is extremely fair because there is no racism. In fact, there is a beautiful native Canadian culture there, and just about every Canadian has one well-groomed, articulate but deeply wise Indian friend who helps out around the neighborhood.
Canadians do not smoke, and due to strict government control over alcohol purchases, few people drink anything more than light beer or a crisp, white wine. And since 99% of Canadians live within 10 miles of the American border, you can still watch all your favorite television shows like Rachel Maddow or the Logo network. In English!
Canada has a robust government that takes care of all the needs of its people, from food, housing, and education. Everyone in Canada is middle class, so you will have no trouble finding a good condominium to purchase in a vibrant urban setting. Although you and your spouse have no kids (and certainly do not plan on having any), the educational system there is superb, with Canadians spending hundreds of thousands of dollars more per student than America does. As a result, Canadians are the best and smartest people in the world, for the most part.
And as a Canadian, you will never need to fear travel to places with brown people. Once they see the Canadian flag sewn onto your backpack, you will be welcome anywhere because you do not support a government policy of forced democracy or nation building. Canada is never involved in any wars, and has a military only to teach self-defense to women. As you know, Canada has not participated in a military action since 1812, when they were invaded by—guess who—the United States. Since then, no Canadian has ever been killed in a war, nor have they ever been threatened by religious people.
So you might consider Canada as a better choice. All of these reasons are compelling enough.
(Note to our Canadian readers: don’t despair. You won’t see a single liberal cross the border.)
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.