The election season has (let’s be honest) already begun. We are already seeing some of the familiar patterns re-emerge from the media, many of which have already been identified and reported here. But let us condense a short list of what you can expect to see as well as what you are already seeing in the press:

• Turmoil! Republicans cannot agree! Gingrich admits Ryan plan is a disaster! Everywhere Ryan goes, he is verbally attacked (attacked!) by throngs of angry Americans! Goal: convince the public that the GOP is in trouble, and you want to vote for Democrats. Public reaction: the average person really does not know who Paul Ryan is, but is aware that the GOP has some sort of proposal or plan or something that seems to work, and that the Democrats have absolutely jack that competes with it.
• John Kerry is one of the best and brightest guys. It is a shame, really, that he was not elected President in 2004, because he really proves how smart and capable he is. You can bet you will see him more and more as a leader in foreign policy, and he would make a great VP, cabinet members, or advisor for a second Obama term. Goal: show the public that the Democrats have real assets, and not just asses. Public reaction: Kerry is a dizzy tool, and nobody is interested in his crap.
• Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin! Gosh, look what she did today. She tweeted that the Revolutionary War ended in 1789! Hah, the silly bimbo: everyone knows America won the war in 1776! Can you believe she might run for President! Wait, she isn’t? Okay, then, whatever we just said applies to Bachmann. Goal: Isolate and ridicule strong horses on the GOP. Public reaction: the average person does not think about Sarah Palin at all. The media has been wasting their time following her around since 2008.
• The conservatives are all in a tear about something. Who knows what it is: something about tax exemptions or waivers or something. Don’t listen to them: they were racially wrong on the birth certificate, and wrong on the President’s social security number, and wrong about Osama; why should we listen to them, now? Goal: Convince people that most Americans do not think like the majority of Americans. Public reaction: we tend to listen to conservatives in this country…at least, those of us who avoid echo chambers like the media, Hollywood, and academia.
• The President just did the funniest thing! Or else, he just did the most brilliant thing! Or perhaps he just did the most courageous thing! Maybe even he just did the most touching thing. Well, he did something, and gosh darn it he is so likeable. Goal: free campaign commercial. Public reaction: his polling is at toxic levels. For a reason.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.