Elitist Disconnect
Continuing in a curmudgeonly vein, ‘Puter offers the following example of elitist disconnect. The politics of this individual don’t matter, but his status as an Ivy League professor does. ‘Puter offers the following comments captured in today’s Washington Post concerning l’affaire Dominique Strauss-Kahn (not a very manly name):
His arrest “comes at just the worst possible time for Europe,” said Eswar Prasad, an international economics professor at Cornell University. “As the world economy stumbles its way to recovery, this could be a pretty serious blow that sets things back.”
‘Puter’s certain Professor Prasad is a good, decent man, one who surely abhors the crimes with which Mr. Strauss-Kahn is charged. ‘Puter’s sure the Washington Post took one quote out of context here. Even a member of the Ivy League’s elite professoriat can’t think otherwise, can he?
Because ‘Puter just can’t comprehend a man so important to Europe’s self-inflicted economic crisis that we must blithely ignore credible allegations of oral and anal rape.
But maybe ‘Puter’s just not smart enough to see the world through the eyes of an elite. And he hopes he never is.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.