While conversing with a co-worker, ‘Puter lamented the low quality of education these days. ‘Puter’s co-worker agreed, saying she had a great example of current academic shortcomings.

Below is an essay submitted by an Arizona State University senior journalism major. ‘Puter’s co-worker’s daughter was given a classmate’s assignment to edit. Mind you, this is an advanced class for journalism majors. ‘Puter has not edited the following. Read on, and be amazed.

Terrorists in Terrorism

Words often times have technical definitions that are not widely used or known by the average citizen. Since the September 11th attacks, Americans have designated certain connotations to words that have different literal meanings. The words terrorist and terrorism have come to define any persons or ideals from the countries associated with the Middle East. Terrorism is seen and defined as two completely different things depending upon the viewer’s position. To anyone who has power, a terrorist is anyone who opposes your rule. For the oppressed, terrorists are the individuals fighting for your freedom, or the freedom fighters. Terrorism should be defined as the use of radical threats of violence to gain economic and political advantages, without exception or remorse for civilian casualties. By this definition, common use of the word is misunderstood and improperly used. Acts of terrorism are not subjugated to strictly the Middle East, where the word is thrown around so often it has become a cliché’.

Americans continue to fail to realize what terrorism actually means. Average American citizens blindly follow media key words and relate all terrorist activities to the Middle East. This is largely due to Jewish lobbyist groups skewing the American media in their favor. With slanted media as the only source the American public views, there is a clear-cut reason why American perceptions are so skewed. When Americans finally understand the true meaning of terrorism and who in the world is really committing all of these acts of terrorism, Americans will see a whole new world. Ethnocentrism is prevelent in America, and most citizens fail at having the ability to honestly reflect on their own countries problems. Everything America does is, and forever will be, just and right in their own eyes.

The proper definition of terrorism is: the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes. (Dictionary.com) By definition then, a terrorist is: a person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism. (Dictionary.com) The citizens of America have seemingly adopted the thought of terrorism as anything dealing with Muslim. Asking most average American citizens if the armies in North Korea or Venezuela represent terrorism or can be considered terrorists would be met with mostly negative comments. Most American citizens do not realize that there is terrorism outside of the Middle East. This has taken more prominence since the George W. Bush era and post World Trade Center attacks. While it is widely believed that the World Trade Center attacks were acts of terrorism committed through the Middle Eastern terrorist organization of Al Queda, this is hardly the only act of terrorism going on in the world.

Most Americans are unable to comprehend the fact that from outside of America, America is regarded as a dictatorship. America is one of, if not the most, dominant countries in the world. The American government gets involved in more foreign affairs than any other country in the world. (source) We are known for trying to instill our government on countries with economies and infrastructure recently destroyed by America itself. Most recently we have invaded countries with little to no ties to 9/11 under the guise of them being “terrorism” countries. We do this to influence riots and incite the citizens to overthrow the current government system. Once we have effectively accomplished our goal, we put governments in place that benefit America. This is word for word using the threat of violence for political advancement and purposes. What America has been doing for years to lesser countries is considered terrorism by their respective citizens. To anyone who can think critically there is no secret behind the reason America and Americans are so widely hated.

Terrorism should be viewed more for what it is than what it is not. Terrorism is not defending your country from unwarranted foreign attacks. The Americans who claim terrorists are crazy radical jihadists would be shocked to see how often America violates their own definition of terrorism. The American government is the leading terrorist group in the world. Who we view as the main terrorists are the politically and economically oppressed of the Middle East. Most of the terrorist groups have been oppressed for decades and have seen all peaceful efforts of change go unanswered and are reduced to finding other means of getting their voices heard. While not condoning these methods, that this may be the last effort these groups can make. Al Queda itself was almost fully funded by the United States. Osama Bin Laden was actually working with the United States to overthrow the radical Afghan government that the United States no longer wanted in power. Osama then realized he had strength and power within himself and helped create and fund the largest American known terrorist group.

Most of the acts and tactics of the Middle East wars America has recently waged have been acts of terrorism. By going into a country like Iraq and trying to implement a system of government that we assume is the best, is not an act of terrorism. However, once America is met with anything other than cooperation, we send troops to forcibly enact our policies. American leaders dictate to the people who are going to be in charge. These people are puppets and followers of all things America. They are put in place to cut the government deals or help export products the government needs. Using unnecessary force to gain economic or political advantage is the definition of terrorism, and the exact way the United States of America conducts business.

How America was founded is a prime example of a terrorist attack. The American Revolution duplicates current events in the Middle East. The smaller colonies do not like being controlled and ruled by imperial forces so they revolt. This revolt was seen as treason and terrorism by Great Britain in a similar way we see the rebels in the Middle East. Although over the course of the American Revolution, British soil was never harmed, thousands of British soldiers died on American soil The British death tally of the Revolution far exceeds the American soldier death tally in the Middle East. The total British soldier death toll from action and disease is 31,000. (http://users.rcn.com/mwhite28/wars18c.htm#AmRev). In America’s war in Afghanistan from 2001-2005 only 23 Americans were killed. (http://users.rcn.com/mwhite28/wars21c.htm#Afgh2001) Since the unnecessary war in Iraq started on March 19, 2003, there have been only 4,450 American deaths. (http://antiwar.com/casualties/) The American death toll in the Middle East since 2001 is 4,473. Over six times the amount of deaths occurred in the American Revolutionary War than the Middle Eastern wars, post 2000. We call the revolutionary fighters of Iraq “terrorists” while our revolutionary fighters are called “patriots”.

Terrorism should be defined as the use of radical threats of violence to gain economic and political advantages, without exception or remorse for civilian casualties. Too often this word is used inappropriately and thrown around without weight. Acts of terrorism and terrorists do not only come from the Middle East. While there have been numerous acts of terrorism from the Middle East, terrorism is a worldwide phenomenon. The citizens of America are the people who use this term too openly. Americans need to objectively look at their own countries actions and understand the similarities.

‘Puter was aghast. This is what passes for intellectual rigor in universities these days. ‘Puter would have been ashamed to hand this work product in during high school, much less college. The essay shows a stunning lack of basic knowledge, as well as a lack of reasoning ability. Not to mention coherence. ‘Puter decided to respond to the his co-worker’s daughter, who was at a loss for how to edit the above. ‘Puter wrote:

Wow. How’s this for a rewrite?

“I’ve spent at least four years at a huge state school in a course of study that requires no actual knowledge, critical thinking or writing ability. That course of study is journalism. Here is an example of what I have learned in my (at least) four years of education.

1. I do not understand terrorism as involving any actual violence, as I define it as merely “radical threats of violence.” For example, threatening to blow up the World Trade Towers is terrorism. Actually blowing up the World Trade Towers is not. My 40 hours of coursework in Middle Eastern and Post-Colonial Radical Feminist Critical Race Theory taught me this. I do not understand that my professors are all 1960s radical-chic Alinskyites bent on controlling language to control the narrative, so I naively attempt to redefine terrorism to mean something it does not. I have never read any Orwell, so I remain blissfully unaware I am being used.

2. Most terrorism is committed by the Jews, a shadowy, all-powerful group of religious fanatics, who, despite enormous wealth and the aforementioned omnipotence, have been tossed out of every country in the world for the last 2,000 years, enslaved and nearly exterminated. We smart people hate the Jews, though we would never outright say so in polite company. When Palestinians sneak into settlers’ houses in the middle of the night and slit the throats of women, children and defenseless infants, this is not terrorism, but rather a righteous struggle for freedom brought on by the illegal Zionist occupation of Palestine. I do not understand that the U.N. approved the creation of Israel in 1948 and also approved a separate Palestinian state. I do not know that the Palestinians rejected the offered separate homeland they now claim to want. I do not realize that at Israel’s birth, its Arab neighbors immediately declared war, committed to destroying a people who recently excaped Hitler’s Holocaust (which is fake anyway because CAIR says so).

3. To the extent terrorism is not caused by TEH JOOOOOOS!!1!!eleventy!!!, terrorism is a uniquely American invention. America was founded as a result of terrorism. America perpetuates terrorism today. For example, America …. well, um. America is bad. It must be, because so many people, including my professors, are mad at it.

As an ASU journalism graduate, I now understand that all human events must be viewed through the hazy gauze of an oppressor/oppressed analysis, in which the oppressor is the person or country with whom I disagree and the opppressed is the person or country with whom I identify. Nota bene, America is always an oppressor, regardless of whether she is liberating Europe or providing AIDS relief medication to Africa. I promise as a journalist in good standing to perpetuate the faulty world view crammed down my throat by a professoriat who have never worked an honest day in the real world in their lives. I will be an excellent journalist because I have not learned to think for myself (or write coherently) but rather to parrot without question the prevailing groupthink in fashion among the intelligentsia at the time.

Please give me my degree, with honors.

Regards,

ASU Journalism Guy Who Wrote The Festering Pile of Garbage Below.”

Just sit back and relax as the stench of America’s rotting future envelops you in its acrid tendrils.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.