1996 Republican Presidential candidate Robert “Bob” Dole has launched an exploratory committee for a 2012 Presidential run.

“I mean, what the f—,” Dole explained to a room containing three reporters. “Every other goddamn has-been wash-out candidate for the last 20 years is looking into running. Why not Bob Dole? After all, we have this Barack guy who is polling so bad that even Alan Keyes could probably get 51 percent of the vote.”

“Think about it. Gingrich? Giuliani? Paul? Romney? Where the hell is Johnny McCain? For Pete’s sake, the only new candidate out there is Jimmy McMillan, and he’s a noted karate expert. You got your Andy Martin whackjob out there, again, and maybe John Bolton will show up to a debate or two with a goddamn Winchester rifle and a whole box of shells, if he isn’t too busy building a solar still in his backyard. You never know.”

“So what the heck. Why not me? Bob Dole could pretty much take on Obama wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos and still come off better looking. How bad is Obama? Republicans actually rallied behind Trump, and he ain’t even one of us. I mean, not only ain’t he a Republican, I’m not even sure he’s terrestrial. But then, neither is Keyes.”

“So that’s it. Don’t talk me out of it. I’m doing it. You’re not done with Dole. Might even use that as my slogan, who knows? See you in November. Of next year. Peace, out.”

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.