E.J. Dionne creates so many strawmen to bash, it makes ‘Puter think of Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. At least Scarecrow had the common sense to know he didn’t have a brain and to act accordingly. Mr. Dionne, not so much.

In today’s installment of “Things I Have Read That Have Made Me Dumber” is Mr. Dionne’s latest opinion piece in the Washington Post. Mr. Dionne attempts to portray the current Republican 2012 field as neo-fascists bent on enslaving humanity by favorably referencing … George W. Bush! Mr Dionne writes:

That’s why I felt nostalgia for Bush, especially the guy who was a candidate for president in 2000. Unlike this crowd of Republicans, Bush acknowledged that the federal government can ease injustices and get useful things done.

And:

On the contrary, Bush declared: “We have always found our better selves in sympathy and generosity, both in our lives and in our laws.” Amen. A Republican who expressed such sentiments today would be pummeled mercilessly by Fox News.

Oh. So each and every Republican candidate believes that the federal government cannot ease injustices and get useful things done. ‘Puter sees. Maybe Mr. Dionne ought to consider that getting the national debt under control by spending within our means is a way to ease injustice for unborn taxpayers whose future is currently being spent by and on greedy Boomers. Or perhaps that reducing regulation generally, thereby freeing business and capital for more efficient use is getting useful things done.

And, truly, it is offensive to imply that Republicans do not believe in generosity. In fact, studies have shown that red states give considerably more to charity than blue states, even the poor, backwards red states. It is the blue state Democrats who lack sympathy and generosity. Physician, heal thyself.

Mr. Dionne’s straw man argument is his feeble attempt to rationalize his religious belief (nota bene the “Amen” in Mr. Dionne’s quote above) that it is government, and only government, that can help people. As such, Mr. Dionne believes that corpulent government and its insinuation into our private lives are good things. It is only when the government fully controls all aspects of society, from individuals to corporations to capital, that justice can truly be done. And by justice, Mr. Dionne means what he thinks of as justice, which happily comports with a far-left’s Utopian pipe dream.

Creating straw men and beating them to death while putting words in your opponent’s mouth is easy. Winning arguments on the merits is hard. That’s why Mr. Dionne spends his time doing the former rather than the latter.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.