Your Czarness:

JAB:

Me and the younguns’ just came back from Northern Alabama, or N.A. to those in the know.

Now, maybe it was the heat shimmering up from the highway, but I’m pretty sure I saw the following sign on the side of the road:

Fresh Jerky
1/2 mile

And lo, as promised there was a dude with a big box in the back of his pickup. Didn’t stop. Heck, didn’t even slow down. Don’t know how jerky can be fresh. Afraid to end in the box like in some slasher movie. I thought Your Czarness might find that amusing, and seeing as how you’re a few hundred years old, you yourself might have seen some pretty amusing roadside commerce.

yours from the Doublewide, JAB

Indeed, every so often, we come across something amusing. We recall once in Šorępžuk, we saw a sign that said Mîrșaută instead of Mîrșauță, which any speaker of Erevaș will know is a hideously embarrasing mistake for anyone trying to sell it. Fortunately, the Turks wiped out the last speaker of that language in 1381.

Oh, and when we were in Naples, we did see a sign that said Napoli Leon si prega di tornare a casa, which was hysterical to us because we were in Napoli. Napoleon probably did not find that too funny because they spelled his name wrong. The whole Naples pun would have been lost on him. As you recall, the Czar found Napoleon a foul-mouthed, belligerent little runt.

The Czar knew he was trouble from the get-go: the Czar once was introduced to him at a party, and we said to him “Hey, what happens when you throw a bomb on the kitchen floor? Linoleum Blown-Apart! Get it? Or do we have to explain it to you?”

The sawed-off punk got pretty irate at this, and the Czar wound up not being sorry to have pushed Napoleon into the drink table. The Czar has no idea what effect this ultimately had, although the Battle of Marengo happened about a week later.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.