A Canadian Reader writes in from the London you would want to visit with one of the strangest emails the Czar has received in a long time. Enjoy.

Mighty Czar,

Many thanks for the ‘Never attribute to malice what can adequately explained by stupidity’ post (re. NBC’s PoA “under God indivisible” omission). While I wasn’t paying direct attention at the time, even my ignorant Canuck ears picked up on something being off with the recitation, so I can only imagine the feedback NBC received from all those flyover country, God and gun clingin’, Augusta National members.

I also happened to notice during one of the fluff pieces about ‘American Presidents’ relationship with golf’ a repeat of the ‘clumsy Gerald Ford’ meme. I don’t recall the exact phrasing, but the statement was something along the lines of “Surprisingly, President Ford had a good game”. Again, I doubt it was malicious, but simply fit the internal narrative of the generally clueless, left-of-centre-by-default media types who, given their passionate dedication to carefree ignorance, can’t help but regurgitate the ‘comedy as news/revisionist history’ pushed by the political left (e.g. “I can see Russia from my house!”).

Anyway, your post reminded me of why the invention of the mute button and the PVR (I believe that’s DVR/TIVO in Americanese) has allowed me to retain my reason while watching PGA Tour golf. I’m by no means the stereotypical leftish, American-bashing, Europeans-are-super-duper-awesome Canuck, but I’ve got to say that European Tour coverage is, by my rough calculation, 97 times better than the PGA’s. The announcers know to shut the eff up once in awhile, the anecdotes are somewhat interesting, and they choose to show actual golfers making actual shots that are actually happening that day! Astonishing ideas!

Anyhow, to demonstrate how far these complete strangers have pushed me toward the limits of my sanity, what follows is an only partially fictionalized portrayal of the occasional Sunday afternoon around Camp Canadian Reader.

Generic moron golf announcer: “And over to K.J. Choi on the 14th who’s been quietly moving up the leader board.”

Canadian Reader out loud to self: “Quietly? QUIETLY? WHAT? No, he’s not “quietly moving up the leader board” you [pinheads]. He’s been making pars and birdies for the past ten holes but you [feckless nitwits] haven’t shown him once. Oh, and here’s the first time you’re showing Lee Westwood today. Gee, I wonder if he’ll make this putt? Actually, don’t answer. You know why? Because I know with 100% CERTAINTY that he’ll make this [GOSHDARN] PUTT because you haven’t shown him for the last TWO [FRAKKIN’] HOURS! So of course he’ll make it. Oh shocking, he just did. What a wonderful production you’ve created today! My viewing pleasure has been so enhanced by your deft touch. Perhaps if you spent less time showing Tiger Woods expectorating greenside when he’s ten shots off the pace, or less time on fluff pieces about the late bar hours in Northern Ireland, or less time blowing smoke up each others’ [arses], you might have a tiny bit of spare time to show some ACTUAL [GOSHDARN] GOLF!”

“GAAHHHHH!!”

Mrs. CR: “What’s that dear?”

CR: “These alphabet soup network jackwads are stupider than usual today. You know what they said again? “Quietly moving up the leader board”! The only thing “quiet” about it is that they haven’t shown him for two hours. “We haven’t been showing it on air, therefore it must be happening quietly! Because things are only really occurring if we happen to show it on T.V.!” To be so blissfully unaware of the self-fulfilling narrative they’ve created means their stupid is exceptionally strong today. I think it’s burned through my eardrums and is slowly leeching into my brain!”

Mrs. CR: “Alphabet soup network jackwads? Hmmm…don’t believe I’ve heard that one before. A bit of a mouthful I think. Anyway, I’m sure you’re right dear. How long does it take to barbecue the chicken?”

CR: “About 20 minutes or so. You know, one would think that by now they would have taken my regular feedback – filled with lots of useful suggestions, insights, and exclamation points – a bit more seriously by now!”

Mrs. CR: “No doubt. I’m sure they could benefit from your useful suggestions. Why don’t you start the barbecue while I grab you a cold beer.”

CR: “Mmmm….cold beer. Thanks hun, great idea. What was I just saying?”

Mrs. CR: “I think you mentioned how you were doing pretty well in your work friend’s golf pool.”

CR: “Hey, McIlroy just sank another birdie! I picked him this weekend! Yesssss.”

And so forth.

Thank God for wives, cold beer, and technological advances.

Sincerely,
A Candian Reader

Exactly. Thanks for the letter, because you are absolutely right: the whole Pledge of Allegiance squawk completely misses how bad American sports coverage generally is. Particularly on the big three networks.

Both CBS, NBC, and ABC are in a competition to see how hackneyed and cliched their coverage is. We cannot show the actual event, because we need to have a Human Interest piece on how Athelete X has Come Back From A Personal Tragedy. It even affected the Indianapolis 500, when instead of seeing the race, we were treated to the Charlie Kimball story, and how he has so bravely fought back against diabetes, which we now know is the Most Serious Disease in Human History. This, of course, as 350 million people worldwide who have diabetes learned how Incredibly Brave they are to wake up every morning and pretend to be almost perfectly functional, when in reality we know they are all walking homicidal maniac timebombs.

Therefore, and worse, we get blood sugar updates on Kimball. Unbelievable, as if the network feared that, by God, he might actually get dizzy and crave a jelly doughnut around lap 187. Morons, he has successfully managed the disease for decades, and his pit crew wouldn’t let him race if they thought for a second he was at risk of anything.

But then it is onto the Wacky Bit, featuring Local Color Talent Trying Out the Local Scene. Hey look, it’s Jared wearing a Carpathian hat! Nikki tries to milk a goat, and discovers it’s a male! Look at Joshua sliding down an icy hill because he wears fancy shoes! God, we are so wacky that it borders on multicultural insensitivity! Just kidding, of course, since it’s only funny because we are ignorant Americans!

And now Statistics….

Well, now you have the Czar riled up. So he switches over to Fox, and finds decent sports coverage punctuated by overly ornate computer graphics, dashboards, and something that seems to be a dancing robot. And somewhere, between the Print Icon and the Start Menu, is the actual game. Wait, no, a comedy bit featuring Lance Berkman filling Prince Fielder’s car with styrofoam peanuts! Wow, baseball players are so human sometimes.

Anyway, you made your point and the Czar made his right back. Of course, the Czar only did it because he refuses to be upstaged in his own post. Hmm. Must be because whatever you wrote was really freaking funny and dead on the money.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.