Hell, if that overbearing, over exposed, overweight harridan Oprah can have favorite things, so can ‘Puter. ‘Puter’s at least as pudgy as the Big O.

As the now-voiceless Julie Andrews once sang, “these are a few of [‘Puter’s] favorite things.

1. Vietnamese chili garlic sauce, pictured right. In fact, ‘Puter enjoys this very brand, Huy Fong. For those of you who love spicy food, this stuff is the nuts. Put it on eggs, on pizza, over rice. Heck, put it on the New York Times and even that fishwrap would taste good. It is wicked spicy, with a good slow back burn. It also makes for some interesting morning constitutionals, if one has overdone the tương ớt tỏi the prior evening.

2. Fresh picked honeycrisp apples, right off the tree from a Wayne County, New York apple farm. Get a fried cake and a cup of cider, and it’s the perfect fall breakfast. Maybe a hunk of New York cheddar with that, too.

3. The Remington 11–96 12 gauge shotgun. ‘Puter’s had one of these for years, and it’s a great wing shooting gun. It’s light, with a great balance, and deadly accurate.

4. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. ‘Puter recently re-read this book at a friend’s suggestion, and fell in love with it. ‘Puter wishes who could write two percent as well as Mr. Fitzgerald. Interesting side note, Mr. Fitzgerald is buried adjacent to ‘Puter’s childhood elementary school.

5. His family (all generations). ‘Puter doesn’t know what he did do deserve any of them. Their existence, and ‘Puter’s unworthy relation to them, is proof of the existence of God. And that goes double for Mrs. ‘Puter who actually got to choose to be related to ‘Puter, and so chose.

6. His faith. The Roman Catholic Church is, in ‘Puter’s estimation, the best conservator of Western tradition in the world, despite its all-too-frequent human failings. ‘Puter expects your opinions to vary on this one.

7. Back surgeons. Despite not being back to one-hundred percent, ‘Puter now lives most of his days mostly pain free. Can’t beat that, though the heavy drugs were nice for a while.

8. Perfect Manhattans, up, with a twist. Get a cocktail shaker. Add ice. Pour in a little sweet vermouth (a glug or two), a little less dry vermouth, several (to taste) dashes of bitters, whiskey (‘Puter uses Black Velvet). Shake. Pour into an up glass, garnish with a lemon twist. Enjoy slowly, at least once per evening. DO NOT PUT MARASCHINO CHERRIES (OR JUICE) IN YOUR MANHATTAN OR ‘PUTER WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU. You may, however, serve on the rocks, in a rocks glass, if that’s the way you swing.

9. Lodge’s Dutch ovens. ‘Puter makes all kinds of stuff in his dutch oven, from bourbon-bacon-barbecue baked beans, to ribs, to pot roast, to cornbread, to bacon. It is the best slow cooker of all time. Just throw it in your oven at about 200-225 degrees and let it go. So danged good.

‘Puter are sure there are other things he’s forgetting, but this is a good start. Perhaps he’ll revisit this topic every once in a while, as he stumbles across new things he likes.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.