Wacky Resume Fun
‘Puter works in the financial services industry, for a small, privately held company that owns and manages portfolios of sub and nonperforming commercial debt. And so the veil is pulled back.
‘Puter’s company recently advertised for an assistant position and received numerous resumes in response. Among those resumes was one special one, and on that resume, the following sentences:
Thanks that are important to me. I want the planet we live to be saved. I want it for my children’ s children ect. I know one person can’t do it alone, I do know that it just takes one person to care, one family to recycle to make a difference. I hope you will consider me for this job. I may not have all the qualifactions that you require. But I have the nee and the heart for my country. I want every person to have a chance to have a health and safe planet to live in.
As a public service, ‘Puter offers the following advice to job seekers in the middle of a recession:
1. For f$%^#’s sake, if you are functionally illiterate, at least have someone you know proofread your resume.
2. Make a cursory effort to determine what a company does, and tailor your resume to that end. Don’t ramble about green concerns, when the only green your prospective employer cares about is the kind that comes out of ATMs.
3. Keep your chin up, because you are a precious snowflake, deserving of the world’s unending love and kindness. Don’t take a job that you consider beneath you, because surely great things are waiting around the corner for someone as special as you consider yourself.*
You’re welcome.
* ‘Puter doesn’t really mean this last one. He just put it in there for fun.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.